Significance, purpose, knowing the reality of rest – these words, these concepts were far from my thoughts that awful, fateful evening at our quadrennial mission’s conference in Florida.  I was hurting. It would be years before I would really experience the significance and purpose that God had for me and learn to rest in it.  That night I only knew my right now – and that hurt, a lot.

Comparison and jealousy reared their angry heads. I let them have their way. And I sank deeper and deeper into the pit of despair. I just wasn’t good enough!

Not being good enough had deep roots. Stories from my childhood, the turbulent teens, into college, our marriage and ministry. The illustrations were numerous and found their life in comparison.

Looking back, I called that evening the low point of my spiritual journey.

Returning to the same venue with many of the same people four years later, it wasn’t comparison and jealousy that ruled, it was insecurity. Questions proliferated. Were my steps of the past four years real? Did healing happen? Was it strong enough to let me rest in my new found truths? Am I maturing?

Perhaps that first time wasn’t the low point, but rather a turning point, the beginning of a new foundation; a place I would find myself returning to over and over.

I was aware and unaware that night. Aware of the symptoms; unaware of the disease.

At first I treated what I knew – the outward manifestations, the symptoms. I turned to my Bible to study comparison. I memorized, “Those who compare themselves among themselves are not wise.” II Corinthians 10:12. I spoke transparently on the topic watching heads bob up and down. Others, many others understood. It was comforting at first. I was not the only one.

But nothing changed. I needed the disease diagnosed, the why of the symptoms. When talking with a practitioner was suggested, I balked.

Was I really that bad?

I was!

There was a parallel story, my husband’s story. Although he too experienced bumps along his journey, he had climbed the occupational ladder consecutively leading larger and larger teams with greater and greater responsibility. He was currently serving as one of the vice-presidents of the mission we are associated with. It was his role that offered me identity. Not good.

Then he crashed. Physical symptoms led to emotional realities and depression soon followed. A hard reality, a rocky path. A path we both needed.

A wise friend, a friend we had known for several years, noticed and risked reaching out. He directed us to a practitioner, a counselor who accurately diagnosed.

Nothing had changed inside me. I was still leery of counselors and had no desire to meet one up close and personal. But this was my husband’s issue. I’d go along for the ride.

Hesitantly at first I accompanied Bill still holding the practitioner at arm’s length. But that didn’t take long to change.

The next two weeks were life-transforming as an accurate diagnosis became obvious, both for Bill and me. We heard truth. We began to learn how to embrace truth. We experienced hope. The disease was exposed and attacked. It was the beginning of my rest journey and it was good.

There were still rocky patches. But comparison was dissipating.

It would be many years before I would understand and embrace more fully the concept of rest and its connection with all I had been experiencing. There have been many steps along the way. And they will continue.

“Let the beloved of the Lord
rest secure in him…”
Deuteronomy 33:12

I’m learning what it means to rest secure.

 

Copyright, Sue Tell, March 2021