or Envy, Comparison, Desire, Humility

I don’t remember her words.
I do remember my feelings. They were colored bright green.

She was standing UP front, on the stage.
I was seated down with the other no-bodies – smoke coming out of my ears.

Comparison fueled by envy.
Envy rooted in shame.
Shame fed by a lie.
Humility absent.

For many years, I’d been hearing the whisper – Sue, you’re not quite good enough. My response that night with her UP and me down was another proof; another illustration to add to my list.

Envy is looking at what another has and coveting.
I was coveting. She had ministry – and supposedly I didn’t.

My envy showed me my current understanding. Ministry only happens when you’re UP front. Ministry only happens if you’re considered a leader. Ministry is always public.

My envy stirred up negative emotions. They surfaced and spilled from my eyes, controlled my body posture, and according to my husband, made smoke drift from my ears.

My envy showed me my great need. What was I not believing? Why was this such a struggle? Will I never mature?

My envy was a blinking yellow light. And that night I ran through it instead of slowing down, stopping, and pondering.

My envy left no room for humility.

My envy robbed me of joy, peace, and rest. I had no ability to affirm and appreciate. It was all about me.

My envy also showed me my desire. It affirmed what I knew. I desire for God to use me in ministry to women.

Ten years later, God pointed me to Paul and this truth …

“If I am to live in the flesh,
that means fruitful labor for me.”
Philippians 1:22

I read those words. I heard God’s voice. I asked, can I claim this truth for myself?

Nine years and six months later, I sat on the bed in my hotel room that afternoon. I was helping lead a women’s weekend conference. I don’t remember where my roommate was; I was alone.

I opened my journal, the leather one where I record only the important stuff. There he was, God looking back at me through Philippians 1:22. I heard his affirming, gentle answer, Yes, Sue, you can claim this truth for your life too.

Joy, peace, rest flooded my soul.

I had been UP front that particular weekend. I was going to be again when the next meeting started.

But I heard something more important from God that afternoon.

The joy, the peace, and the rest did not relate to being UP front.
The joy, the peace, and the rest related to living out the woman God created me to be.
The joy, the peace, and the rest required and offered humility.

“Before O’Connor knew for certain who she was and what she was good at, when she was struggling to learn along with the craft of writing, she kept a prayer journal at school. In it, she wrote this prayer: “But dear God please give me some place, no matter how small, but let me know it and keep it. If I am the one to wash the second step every day, let me know it and let me wash it and let my heart overflow with love washing it.” Humility is taking our place, no matter how small (or big) and fulfilling that place with a heart overflowing with love. The good life begins and ends with humility.”

Flannery O’Connor, A Prayer Journal, p 38.
Recorded in On Reading Well by Karen Swallow Prior.

Copyright, Sue Tell, June 2021