Janet Newberry

 

I’ve been playing with two words:
“must” and “need.”

I can’t tell you how it started, but it started a while ago. Doug and I are recovering 3’s on the Enneagram…so a few months ago he made this sign and hung it on the ‘frig in Freedom (our Airstream.)

It’s a big deal for us.

Part of the big deal is because we had to hack through the lie jungle of our performance-obsessed culture that offers us a toxic soup of “only weak people have needs” stirred in with “don’t be needy” and garnished with a generous heap of an accusatory “selfish!”

Part of the big deal is that we were so tight with “must” instead of “need.” Must is a master.

Must can come from parents and preachers and friends and foes. Media offers us “must” and social media floods us with it.

Must too often directs our gaze…and therefore our lives, instead of “needs.”

“I must not upset mom.”
“I must not disappoint dad.”
“I must make good grades.”
“I must earn enough money.”
“I must deserve your kindness.”
“I must be skinny and have fake eyelashes.”
“I must have a tattoo and a great big beard.”
“I must eat some more.”
“I must drink some more.”
“I must smoke…or I must snort…”
“I must stare at this screen all night.”

Must convinces us that we can have whatever we want and fails to tell us that whatever we want isn’t going to satisfy us. Instead we feel selfish and sick–

and now Must gives us different ideas to medicate our symptoms. Shame tells us we Must have more…of what isn’t satisfying. Shame laughs at us in our addictions.

And there is another way. Humility invites us into the Light…to rest…and adjust the eyes of our soul to a different compass.

Need comes close enough to quietly offer affirmation and attention. Need offers us the gift of redemption.

Need says, “Can I show you a different way? Follow Me.”

Need never says, “Must.”
Need always says, “Trust.”

Need teaches us a different perspective–based on needs, instead of musts.

“I need sleep; I’ll trust mom and go to bed now.”
“I need help with my homework; I’ll ask dad.”
“I need to be heard; thank you for listening.”
“I need to be seen; thank you for noticing.”
“I need to have an impact and an influence; I’ll help with this project.”
“I need to grow in the direction of my dreams; I’ll learn from those who can teach me and help me grow up.”
“I need to help others–it’s who I am.”

When our needs are met, we feel alive. We experience wholeness.

When we get sick, Need offers healing–not shame or addiction.

Let’s tell our children. Let’s lead them out of the jungle of lies…before Must becomes their Master instead of just a toxic friendship.

There is great hope.